Mumma, Mummy and “The Po Po”: Grace and Elsie share their adoption story

We are a household of girls, Grace (Mumma 50…well almost), Elsie (Mummy 47…a spring chicken by comparison), Emily 4, Nina 3 (the kids), Poppy 11 and Mabel 6 (the furry kids).

We first discussed having a family when we first met in 2012. Neither of us had a desire to be pregnant and even if we did, we knew our age was against us. We chose adoption as we knew that there were so many children who needed a secure loving family, and we knew could provide this. We made sure we were aware of the all the positives and challenges that comes with adoption. We have always believed that families defined as more than just blood relationships.

We attended information sessions in early 2013, but decided to wait as we felt the time was not quite right for us as we both wanted to progress in our careers, finish our studies, be financially sound and take some time to prioritise our health.

In 2020 we felt we were in a really positive place and ready to take the first steps towards being able to give a child or children a home, a loving, a stable environment, and the best life possible we could possibly give them.

When we were first approached about Emily and Nina we just had a feeling that it was meant to be. There had been the possibility of having one of their older sisters as well (three would have been mad for us in hindsight) but the plan for her changed.

We felt many emotions ranging from excitement to fear, anxiety, and joy. We had to try not to get ahead of ourselves and control our emotions, as we were with two other sets of siblings that, for various reasons, did not progress to a match. For one of the sibling groups the foster carers decided they would adopt them (correct decision for them, but hard for us at the time) and for the other the birth father moved to an area near our home (absolutely nothing that could be done about this). Whilst this was disappointing, we are true believers that all paths lead here, and we now have our girls and it was meant to be.

The girls have been with us since October 2024. Emily starts reception in September and Nina has another year at nursery. The girls have been at nursery for 18 months, which has really helped with their confidence and interpersonal skills.

It has also allowed Elsie to return to work 30 hours a week after her adoption leave ended. Grace works full time. We have a consistent routine each day and particularly at night time, which the girls really need, this keeps them regulated (to a point). This next sentence is not a complaint just honesty. We are permanently exhausted. Parenting is not for the faint hearted and the layers that adoption has added has given us additional anxiety and vigilance to contend with too.

Adopting siblings

When we imagined our family, we always pictured more than one child. We are both from relatively large families, not necessarily defined by blood. We regularly looked after our nieces and nephews as well as our friends’ children. Our house was already big enough for siblings. We know that adopted siblings always have the support of one another, a shared history, and that would be an invaluable bond as they grew together.

Emily and Nina have an amazing bond, even when they are annoying one another. The nursery environment has been essential in developing that bond as well as adapting it as they have always done everything together, it has been important that they spend time independently from one another so that transitions are easier for them to cope with.

As you can imagine, the fun of siblings is immense but hard work too. They learn from one another constantly and have each other’s backs as well. They laugh together, wind each other up, wind us up (truth), and melt our hearts. The day they called us Mummy and Mumma and dropped our first names was so special. As was the first time they said “I love you” back.

The best advice about adopting siblings is to really think about it. Whilst it is cliché to say that it is so rewarding, it really is and we are so glad we did it. Adopting two (or maybe you are considering more) at once is such a big change to your everyday life, even as fully grown adult(s) who wanted this family and dreamt about it for so long. It can feel quite overwhelming and the realisation (even though you have always known it) that this is forever needs to be given real thought.

Family life

Two years on from the girls coming to us, we feel we have a normal family life. We experience the highs and lows that any parent/s and families do. We are busy, we have fun, we have tantrums, we learn each day, we are tired, we are happy, we are loud, we are safe, and we are secure. Did we mention we are tired?

We love the random chats we have with them whilst they are having a poo. We love tickles before bed. We love watching them learn, grow in confidence and develop their amazing and very sassy personalities. We love to see how excited they are to play with the dogs and see our family.

We have also learnt the following:

• Only tell kids the plans one day (max) before it is happening…you will thank me
• Do not promise and not deliver, they will remember every time!!
• Hold boundaries even if it feels hard
• Routine is your friend
• So is CBeebies
• You will be triggered by your own upbringing and will need to really examine this
• You will question all your parenting choices
• Do not refer to the police as the Po Po – they will remember this and they will repeat it in person to a police officer on the street.

 

We love how the girls feel safe to say what they feel even if it is difficult to hear. We love that they feel safe to be loud or pesky. We love that they try so hard to follow the rules even if they do not always manage to. We love the backchat (I know we do not feel that way in the moment and will not feel like this in their teenage years, but it is funny now and we struggle to keep straight faces).

Emily has just graduated from nursery. What an amazing little girl she is. So very clever (of course, we are biased, but she really is a clever cookie).

Nina was potty trained in two days, on the third attempt and once she decided she was ready she just pushed on through and it was done (there may have also been chocolate button bribery rewards).

Support and resilience

Some of the tough parts of adopting have been regarding contact with the girl’s birth family. They come from a sibling group of nine. We have developed a lovely relationship with their siblings and their birth Aunt and Nanny. It is easy to meet with them all and they have an amazing time and play for hours like they’ve never been apart.

They do struggle afterwards as you can see their minds working to try to piece it all together and they do not have the words yet to ask the questions they clearly want to know. Finding ways to help them explore this is hard. They are often dysregulated (sleep and behaviour) for a week or more after they see birth family but the benefits of them having this connection will help them as they develop their sense of identity and have questions about their past.

The support network you envisage will not be the one that is your reality and this can be really challenging, however it will also reveal true friends, supporters and allies who will be invaluable to you. The biggest support we have had has been our families. We see Grace’s family every week, they are loving and consistent, and the girls adore them. We see Elsie’s family less often as they live further away, but particularly in the early days Elsie’s sister and the girl’s cousins travelled to see us every week for six months; sometimes with Elsie’s mum too.

We often found that our adoption preparation group friends were a great source of support and encouragement, and we remain in contact with some of them. They really do understand parenting adopted children in a way others try to, but cannot.

We are often hard on ourselves as parents. Parenting is hard, we are aware that our girls had the toughest start to life. We are not perfect and we are still learning, we keep showing up for them, and each other (toddlers, particularly three-year-olds are another level of demanding).

Being a same-sex adoptive family

Our concerns as a lesbian couple going through the adoption process were probably just of the unknown. We know that the majority of people out there are advocates and allies of LGBTQ+ community, but it only takes one person to make things difficult, so we had to trust what Adopt London South told us about LGBTQ+ adopters being treated no differently.

We do not feel we have been treated any differently than a heterosexual couple. We have been invited to speak at ‘Meet The Adopter’ events and in adoption training sessions about our experiences including being a same sex couple who have gone through the adoption process.

We would encourage LGBTQ+ adopters to go for it. If you are met with any discrimination, be it direct or more subtle, it should be called out and reported appropriately. There is a community out there in Adopt London and you can tap into that whenever you want to.

We did find the whole process to be long, sometimes intrusive (rightly so), sometimes ridiculous, but all for the right reasons, even if it does not feel like it at the time you are going through it. There was always someone to ask for help or guidance or just to offer a hug on a hard day.

Looking forward

We have so many hopes and dreams for the girls, yet we know their journey could be harder than many non-adopted children. There are many reasons for this, for example birth family contact, learning the truths behind their adoption, understanding their identity, managing their trauma and attachments, and navigating a potential relationship with their birth parents (if it is safe to do so). There is also potential SEN needs as they get older. We hope they will feel safe, loved and always be kind to themselves and to others.