“If you think you can do it, jump in!”

A conversation with Phill – an adoptive father of two siblings.

When did you decide that you wanted to adopt?

“The journey from deciding to adopt to bringing our children home took quite a long time. My husband and I thought about adoption before we went to our first information evening, but I wasn’t in the right headspace. We then first went to an information evening in 2018 when we had been married three years and been together for eight. Once we had done this, we realised there were aspects of our lives we wanted to change, my husband was studying to be a nurse, so we decided to wait until he had finished, and we wanted to move to an area more suitable for raising children in. We then registered our interest in early 2019 and our journey began.

How was your journey to adoption?

“Once we had registered our interest it took about a year until we were matched, covid-19 hit in the middle of our journey which made things more difficult. We were approved in February 2020; we met our children at a play event with lots of prospective adopters and then they moved in in August 2020. Introductions were initially on Teams, this was confusing for the children, and then when we could meet them in person we were not allowed physical contact due to the restrictions. This is impossible with young children, so the pandemic definitely made the transition period more difficult, but we were in a bubble with the foster carers, which was helpful. The children were placed with us on 23 August 2020 and the legal process was completed a year later due to three court cases after resistance from birth parents.”

How did you find the assessment process?

“The assessment process felt more supportive the further we got, at the beginning it was quite overwhelming and slightly invasive, but we had the same social worker throughout which was reassuring. Stage 1 required a lot of reflection and talking and by the end of the process our social worker knew us the most out of anyone, they knew things our family and friends didn’t. This reflection has helped our relationship grow and mature and we know much more about each other now. The key is to be completely honest and open, and I liken it to being on reality TV, you can’t be something you’re not. If you are not yourself, the child will get a different version of you once they’re placed. Being open and honest the whole way through the process is really important. Stage 2 was easier than stage 1 as you’ve already put in a lot of the work, panel was really nerve wracking and felt odd as most of the questions were directed to our social worker but once we got a unanimous yes, we started on signing the paperwork.”

What sort of research did you do before making the first step?

“We looked at different adoption agencies, we chose one local to us as post-adoption support would be easiest to get if it was based near to us. In terms of reading and podcasts, we mainly did this in stage 1, now there is so much material in many different forms, more than was available even five years ago so it is easier now. A key thing for us was trying to network with other people that had already been through the process, we went to New Family Social through our agency, and this was really important to us to meet people that were or had already gone through the process. I also have a friend from work who has adopted, and it is really helpful to talk to people who understand exactly what you’re going through, we try and do this now for new adopters and this has in turn grown our network even more.”

What were your reasons for wanting to adopt?

“Being two men, we couldn’t have children naturally, but we knew we didn’t want to go down the surrogacy route, it felt too risky. I met Davina McCall a few months ago and I told her how I found long lost families so inspirational. We didn’t know when we watched that what we know now about the adoption process and the sad life story of some children, but we knew we just wanted to help children and give them a second chance. We dislike when people tell us how ‘lucky’ our children are, they had a tough start to life and we’re just trying to make it better and help them through the rest of their life.”

Were you looking to adopt siblings?

“Yes, we wanted to adopt older children and siblings. We wanted to adopt siblings because we felt that if we were going to go through the process we may as well adopt both at the same time. We wanted to adopt older children as we know it is harder for them to be placed but also financially the childcare costs are less as they can go to school. We also felt we wanted to know more about them developmentally and this is more difficult with babies and young children. My husband and I both have siblings, and it just felt right, we wanted them to have a connection to who they are that will never go. Our children also have an older sibling who lives elsewhere and although this can sometimes pose challenges with birth family as there are different contact arrangements, it is nice that they have another sibling relationship to enjoy.”

What would you say are the positives of adopting siblings?

“The main thing is just the connection they have, they have always been together, and they really care and love each other. At school they will always find each other even if there are 400 other children in the hall, they just have such a tight connection. I think it is just so important that they are together; they have shared experiences and always have someone there for them.”

How have your lives changed?

“Everything has changed, our routines, holiday’s, weekend plans, spare cash – everything about our life has changed. I know more about Education Health Care Plan’s and the education system than I ever wanted to know, I have spent a lot more time interacting with social services than ever before. However, our life is full of excitement now, such as recently going to Florida on holiday, the fun, giggles, smiles and laughs, whether it was from a Moana ride or a Star Wars one, Christmas is awesome now as it is centred around the children, everything has changed – even my car, I now have a dad car!”

What kind of support do you have?

“My husband’s mum is amazing, she is the only family that lives close, everyone around us is really supportive but most of them do not live near us. The children’s school has always been really supportive but there is a limit to what they can do, it is difficult to access support due to the funding cuts. Our son has ADHD and complex PTSD, and our daughter has suspected ADHD that we are going through the assessment process for now, I feel like as adoptive parents we have more support than families with biological neurodiverse children, but there are still difficulties. You have to not be afraid to seek support for your children and not stop until you get it. It is really important to have a support network, you need to be able to recharge and accept help, we both went through post-adoption depression and our network is so important.”

What was the reaction from those around you to you adopting?

“The reaction was wholly positive, everyone was excited and really supportive, we have never experienced anything but positivity and support.”

Has adoption been how you expected? Is there anything that surprised you?

“Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, when you’re going through the assessment process you talk about what you can manage, and it is so important to be honest. Some people talk about a ‘honeymoon period’, we didn’t have that, our son destroyed his bedroom on the first night as he was scared and he’d been taken away from the first safe place he’d ever known. It is completely understandable but, in the moment, it feels impossible. It is different and harder than I’d imagined but it is so rewarding.”

What would you say to anyone considering adoption?

“I would say research it, learn about it, talk to adoptive parents, find out as much as you can but don’t be frightened of it – if you think you can do it, jump in!”