Managing emotions at Christmas for adopted children

The run up to Christmas can be an exciting time, especially for families experiencing their first Christmas together. For some children the relaxed routines and the anticipation of Christmas can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Whether you are a new family or parent(s) of a child who is anxious at Christmas, this original article written by Adoption Mid & West Wales (November 2023) is adapted by Adopt London. It could be just what you need as you prepare for Christmas. Extracts from the original article – Top Tips for helping your adopted child through the Christmas period – provides useful information around the change of routine at home, Santa and managing the anticipation of Christmas Day and much more.

We all have our own response to the prospect of the festive season. For many of us, our enjoyment of this time of year relates to memories of our childhood Christmases and the desire to create a magical, joyful experience for our own children. As we do this, it may be worth reflecting on aspects of Christmas which, for some adopted children, might also prove challenging.

Managing emotions – Engage your child in calming activities

Many adopted children experience difficulties with self-regulation, or the shifting of high-level emotions into a calm, relaxed state. If your child missed key, co-regulatory experiences in their early life, this self-regulation might well continue to be a struggle for them at times. Difficulties managing high-level emotions can be as much of a challenge when the emotions in question relate to excitement as when they are related to fear or anxiety. Consequently, the frenzied excitement we sometimes actively encourage around Christmas can, literally, end in tears. It may be that your child needs a modified approach and extra support to manage party time, or require your help to maintain a comfortable emotional and physiological state at times of high excitement. Try engaging your child in calmer activities using slow movement or deep breathing.

Conveying your availability – Reducing some social engagements

For many adopted children, change and transitions can provoke a sense of fear and anxiety. Christmas, typically, involves a greater number of visitors to our homes, or more visits to others’ homes, some of which may be impromptu. Even familiar places might be much busier than usual. It can be easy for an adopted child to feel lost, unnoticed and forgotten in a crowd. It can be hard for them to feel certain that they are still at the forefront of your mind. If you are in conversation with others it can seem that your availability to them is reduced, and that can be experienced as a threat to their security.

Maintaining connection with your child throughout such experiences can reduce any insecurity. Keep them in the forefront of your mind through subtle means such as physical touch, a frequent smile or a wink and through involving them in your conversations.

Managing change – Minimise or avoid surprises

Christmas is typically a time of surprises, the unknown and the unpredictable and can be a source of significant fear and stress for many adopted children and young people. Surprises intended to be pleasant might well be experienced as anxiety-provoking shocks. While for some of us a strict adherence to routine might feel like a rut, for many adopted children and young people it is instrumental in their feeling a sense of safety, particularly when, all around them, there is palpable change in activity, emotion and even our home interiors. It is likely to be helpful all round to maintain your key daily routines, such as mealtimes, bedtimes and outdoor exercise as much as possible. It may be that your child is likely to benefit from a visual schedule that clearly depicts any changes to routine and ample opportunity to talk about what any changes might entail.

Santa Claus – Consider his role at Christmastime

Santa Claus evokes a range of thoughts and feelings in children. While for some he is the greatest delight, the epitome of kindness and generosity and someone they wish were a more frequent visitor…… for others he is a strange, unknown, heavily disguised man, who assumes a high level of familiarity. There may be a suggestion that he has, surreptitiously, been watching them all year to monitor their behaviour and judge whether, or not, they are worthy of the gifts he has at his disposal. Added to that, he finds his way into locked homes – possibly even into children’s bedrooms – in the middle of the night, without a soul noticing him and with the explicit acceptance of their parents. For some children whose early experiences have made them hypervigilant to threat, Santa Claus might actually generate more fear than joy – and might also raise painful issues around shame and self-worth.

Awareness of sensory triggers

Most of us will be able to identify specific sights, sounds, smells and tastes of Christmas that, for us, provoke a degree of nostalgia and excitement. This might also be the case for your child. It is not uncommon, however, for children who have experienced early adversity to present with sensory integration difficulties. Particularly if/when they are stressed and operating in survival mode, they might be hypervigilant, super-alert to all incoming sensory information, and, subsequently, unable to filter out peripheral information. Hence, they might find themselves overwhelmed and stressed by high-sensory environments. Extraordinary bright and flashing lights, loud music, singing and bells ringing, powerful new aromas and busy shops, cafes, restaurants or town centres might be uncomfortable or difficult to tolerate.

Managing anticipation

Christmas is largely an exercise in anticipation and delaying gratification. The build-up to Christmas Day, filled with hopes and wishes, can seem eternal. It is worth bearing in mind that, for some children waiting might actually provoke unbearable anxiety. Maintaining a low-key approach to advent, Christmas lists and the anticipation of gifts might be markedly more comfortable for your child. You might find that a small number of gifts makes for a calmer, more relaxed Christmas than a huge pile of presents which overwhelms or you might like to spread the giving and opening of gifts throughout the day or even over a number of days.

Shaping Christmas for your family

Consider ahead of time the most important features of a successful Christmas for your family. Accept that these will differ from family to family and that prioritising your child’s needs might entail your explaining to wider family and friends that you need to do things differently this year. Be very mindful of your own stress levels and construct a Christmas that allows you to relax, be playful and simply enjoy each other’s company – as well as enjoying some time to yourself.

We don’t suggest a Scrooge-like approach to your child’s Christmas, but rather to be mindful of their current, individual, developmental profile so that you can shape your family’s Christmas accordingly.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy and harmonious festive period.

Huge thanks to Adoption Mid and West Wales for this article. Visit their website for the full length version.